No matter what your amazing life is right now or will become later you will encounter children. Even though you may decide not to have children yourself, I’m certain you have met children and thought to yourself, how did that happen.
I met a woman who made me smile when she told me, “Patrick I do love children, I just can’t eat a whole one”
Many parents I meet have made the biggest mistake in their lives by placing more importance on the pursuit of money than on their children. Parents work long hours and children suffer. Never put money before children or your spouse, not if you want a loving relationship and an amazing life.
Some people ask how the art of lovemaking can make a child that has turned out to be such a monster. Well instead of you having to go out and purchase a book on parenting, I’ve included how to become an amazing parent here for you.
If you are currently struggling to work out how to love and guide your children, then this chapter will give you the answers. While you are absorbing this I may smash a few myths about parenting along the way. So just read the principles and then you will understand when children become completely lost we can rescue them.
Every day I attend my office I find myself face to face with a parent. 90% of the time it will be a mother. She will explain to me in great detail what she thinks (guesses) is wrong with her child. Then will ask me if I would like to talk to the child to see if I can fix “it”. She then walks outside and brings the child in to sit in my office while she goes outside and waits.
The expectation then of course is that the child who just walked in won’t be the same child when it walks out again. Somehow I am going to “fix” this child, because obviously it’s broken. Well at least that’s what the mothers told me, and I have about twenty minutes to accomplish this.
So the first thing I do is remember all my training over all these years and then that little Mexican man named Cesar Millan (the dog whisperer). You can’t imagine this famous television dog trainer training the dog and not the owner can you? Well in my office when it comes to training children, it involves the parents much more than the child. Just like my friend Cesar, he knows that the dog has been trained to behave in a certain way and he needs to retrain the dog owner. I need to retrain the parent as well as the child. That shouldn’t be a surprise at all. Not many parents have been on training programs on how to raise a child.
In these following examples I am talking about children from the age of 8 years upwards. With the young ones ranging from 8 to 15 I can still get away with the trusted story of bank building. This is where I tell the children that no matter what they want in life, whether it’s right now, at the weekend or next year, the only way the parents will say yes is if they have built enough good bankable currency to get a yes.
The Amazing Bank Technique
Here’s how easy and profound it is. Children as we would agree need both discipline and praise. By the way I use praise 90% of the time, it’s easier to look for and works 100% more for the child. Most parents I meet never understand praise and what it does for the child. They are too busy looking and expecting all the wrong things to happen. Yet again as I have been saying throughout this book, it is a trick of the mind, this time by the parent.
I first set up the child to understand that they need to do things around the house for free. This means jobs, any jobs they can handle. This teaches a child to contribute to the family and the household. Then once the chores are done I want the child to look for ways to build a bank of currency by way of more jobs but this time they will use the extra jobs they do as currency.
Here’s how it works:
I was asked to help a 14 year old girl who didn’t get this at all. She wanted no part of my plan at all, until I said, “I’m the only person on earth who can get your parents off your back”. This got her attention. From there I explained how she would need to work very hard to reinstate herself in the family so she could be trusted by both parents again.
She had a history of running out of school, not doing homework, bad grades and using bad language. All of which remember had been trained. I managed to find the missing part of this little girls puzzle by listening to her, something she told me her parents never did. She would tell me that every time she attempted to tell her parents how she felt, they simply shouted at her and told her to go to her room.
So now motivated and looking forward to the next two weeks of hard work and looking for opportunities to do even more tasks for her parents this young child left happy. I didn’t say a word to the mother.
Two weeks later the mother arrived back with her daughter and began to tell me how much the child had changed. The mother went on to tell me that her daughter had begun to work around the house, was being nice to her brother and sister and staying at school. When it was the daughters turn to come in she was angry and upset. She told me she had done all I had suggested but that her parents had not said well done or anything.
This is typical of many parents who don’t even know how to give praise, let alone see times when the child needs praise. I spent most time with the mother explaining my idea of her daughter building a bank of jobs and good behaviour in exchange for special treats like having a friend over to stay the night. The mother went away and began to praise her child even more. They were both very happy the last time they came in all because we retrained both of them to look at life differently.
Change What Doesn’t Work
Jack was an 8 year-old boy out of control (mothers description) who attended my practice for anger issues. The story was that the mother had lost control and Jack was winning and loving every minute of it. When I asked the mother if Jack misbehaved in front of his dad, the answer was no.
This is a very popular situation and often can cause big trouble in the marriage or partnership. The child’s view of his father is very different from the view he has of his mother.
Little Jack had his mother running scared, the mother forgot who was the adult. She spent most of her day running after him, literally. If she was trying to get him to school on time he would be too quick for her and run around the house with her chasing and yelling at him.
However if dad was home little Jack was an angel. Do you get what’s happening in this household? Yes Jack is in charge and mum is not.
My work had to begin with mum. I found out that mum did most of the parenting while dad was at work. However dad was fed up with mum because she couldn’t control the child, so the parents were in crisis.
The simple difference here was one parent represented fear to young Jack while the other parent didn’t. The dad would just have to look at the child and Jack did what he was told. Mum however had to scream, chase and often smack Jack to get him to behave.
Of course like all mums do she would attempt to sit Jack down and talk to him about why he should have behaved. This technique of talking to a young child using adult language like the word respect does not work. She did this all the time and all the time it didn’t work, she kept doing it.
Please remember this as long as you live your amazing life. When it comes to children and behaviour fear is a greater motivator of than pain.
The dad produced fear in Jack and the mother produced pain. In screaming, chasing and smacking Jack all mum produced was short-term pain that only slowed Jack down.
It also trained Jack to never look for any other attention other than pain. He became used to the smacks and the screams.
I always ask every parent this question. “Did you treat your parents with this much disrespect when you were that age”?
Don’t allow your child to be disrespectful
It still amazes me that while a mother is in the midst of telling me how disgustingly rude and disrespectful her child is she still doesn’t get it. I have interrupted literally thousands of parents and asked that question and the parent will almost always say, “No way”. When I ask the parent why they didn’t abuse their own parents they normally tell me they were TOO AFRAID. So of course I can’t help myself and I just have to ask the obvious question. So WHY do you continue to let the little child do it then?
The most common answer I hear is! “I don’t know why”.
The real answer was they became afraid themselves as parents. That’s why they teach bad manners to their children. The parents become so afraid that in their mind it would be easier to let the child misbehave than have to tackle it head on.
A child needs your love yes, but you need to train that child. The problem is it’s the other way around.
Let me explain…
I had two parents of a wild 15 year-old girl arrive at my office in tears. Monica by their account was without a doubt totally in control of both parents. She had obviously had similar training at an early age just like young Jack. Both parents had run out of ideas. Here is what they had told me they had done so far to change the girl’s behaviour.
1 Taken away her mobile phone
Why does a 15 year-old child need a mobile phone I hear you say to yourself?
2 Grounded her, which means not going out other than school
3 Stopped her from going on the computer and internet
So that was it, that was all they had done and they sat in my office, the mother with tears rolling down her cheeks and the father the same. I had them understand that here they were sat in my office with the weight of the world on their shoulders and their daughter was running their lives and loving it.
I didn’t even have to see the child. It was the parents that needed more help, so here is what I told them to do. Now I already knew how they would react to what I was about to suggest in the way of new strategies, but I also knew that from years of doing it this way, it would give us the correct outcome.
I began by telling them that her bedroom door needed to be removed then all of her clothes had to go. Then any trinkets, other furniture and makeup, all had to go. They were to empty the child’s room until all that was left was a mattress on the floor and her school uniform. They had to make sure all the rest was taken to another place.
While I was outlining this strategy the two parents were looking even more afraid than when they walked in. Then I told them to telephone all of their daughter’s friend’s parents and let them know that under no circumstances were they to allow their daughter in to their house if she was to run away again.
As I continued with my plan the mother couldn’t cope any longer and had to interrupt. I was waiting for her. Imagine this, here is me jumping out of my chair and writing on the big whiteboard all the things we were going to do to their precious little baby!!!
The mother didn’t disappoint me. Just like others before her she made attempts to let me know why they couldn’t do what I was asking them to do. Even the father jumped in and said he thought the whole door thing was a little tough.
Now this happens every day in my office so you will have to forgive me for sounding a little tough here, but this always delivers the state of mind in the parents so I need to help them further.
I began to scream and shout at the top of my lungs at both of them. How dare you both tell me what you can and cannot do, what sort of parents are you anyway? Are you bad parents then, is that is? Do you hit her all the time? Do you give up on her because you can’t get past your own feelings? Is that it? Are you hiding behind your own poor me attitude?
As I continued my rant I was in fact helping them get into a state of extreme fear and panic. Remember humans make up thoughts and emotions that produce behaviour. These parents with the help of Monica had created an entire state of chaos and through perceived fear couldn’t parent the child.
Both parents began to defend and make excuses saying I was taking it too far and that the punishment didn’t fit the crime. I was even more incensed than before. Now they were telling me that Monica, a 15 year-old girl who swears and abuses her family and drinks and smokes and stays out all night doesn’t deserve any punishment. I hadn’t even called it punishment, they did and the reason they called it punishment was because they couldn’t bring themselves to do anything about it.
Now that the three of us were in the middle of a heated debate and both parents were in a state of fear and dread I wanted to make sure they knew I was serious about sorting this mess out. So I finished off by telling them that if they didn’t do as they were told I’d make sure the authorities found out from my report that they were both terrible parents.
The reaction was the same as all the rest, they stopped, looked pale and their breathing became intense, just like a panic attack. Now was the moment that would change their lives forever.